nicole

Take me back to that dream where the world was chaotic, deep, and beautiful.
I find comfort amongst the shadows. I find peace within the constant uproar.
Moving and pacing, constantly changing. Progressing towards the ultimate goal.
Creatures and souls never to be so accepting unite, as one, for a common cause.
So I shall follow Him if only for a few moments, where he will lead me to his inner secrets.
In the dark, I hear his whisper. I feel the touch of his tongue pressing against my neck
Colliding into the vague haunting mass of words uttered from his pale, inviting lips of steel.
Never in the open. Only Cold.
He speaks in his sleep while confessing all his dreams, but once the light consumes his face he’s more lost than he claims.
Racing from thought to thought, To never turn back, NOR give in to the constant pressure embedded in his head.
A sense of uncertainty. One last memory. Of normality
Before He guardedly steals the last breathe remaining from the core of my chest.
The fog covertly thickens as if to consciously conceal his true identity.
Together we sleepwalk seemingly strange, yet tranquilizing trails. Deflecting false promises. False hope.
He screams his thoughts to thousands, yet “they” have no idea what he’s fighting for.
His inner beauty, that I know so well, will never reach the surface.
As the rain beats viciously against my captivated face, I’ll look to the heavens.
Intrigued by the motives. Absorbed in the tale.

I’m the clueless girl lurking in the background. I love this TM! These are the moments that I live for. Smiles!

High school days.

I was just informed that it is time for my five-year high school reunion. That scares the hell out of me! It’s hard to believe it was only five years ago, honestly. So much has happened over those five years. I’ve become myself! It’s a crazy thought. I’ve succeeded and failed. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned who I am and who I’m not. I’ve met so many incredible people along the way. Incredible is perhaps an understatement.

I’m not going to say that I’m happier now than I was in high school. That would be a lie. I’ve always been happy. In high school, I was dating a great guy…all four years, in fact. He meant the world to me. He still does, though, I hardly ever get to talk to him. He’s in Germany now with a new life. I’m cool with that. I would never take it back. The memories will be forever embedded in my mind. That’s all that I need. He taught me more about myself than anymore ever could at the time.

To reflect, I didn’t make the most of my high school years. I realize that now. I had many friends in all different “cliques”. I was extremely active in the band (imagine that one!). an officer member of the FBLA, in the Beta Club, etc. I graduated with high honors. At the same time, I didn’t hang out with those people nearly enough…not enough to form valid opinions on anyone. I was so focused on “getting out” and getting into college that I didn’t care about anything or anyone else. I don’t regret it, but I can’t help but wonder what I missed out on. I now know. I didn’t miss out on much at all. I’m twenty-three years old. I’m not married. I’m not pregnant. I don’t have kids. Most of all, I’m not stuck at a dead-end job for the rest of my life. Staying true to myself is what’s most important. Being the nice girl is and has always been rewarding. I love the respect factor of it.

I hate that I didn’t show the “other side” of me in high school, but I’m glad that I didn’t. I avoided a whole lot of trouble by not doing so. I found myself in college. College is such an experience. It really is! I’m the same person that I was five years ago, yet entirely different. I’ve always known what I’m doing and I still do. I’d like to think I’m more open that I was at that time…but also more cautious. I’ve grown up a lot. Sure, I still adore video games, drinking until I can’t feel my lips, dancing the night away, making terrible decisions at times, and woo-ing people with my remarkable hidden talents (j/k)…but I’m more confident about it. I don’t care so much about what people think anymore.

All in all, it doesn’t really matter what people think. There’s always going to be drama, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. I’ve learned to embrace it and roll with it. I’m happy with what I’m becoming and in the direction that I’m going. Not many people can say that. I’m lucky. I’m fortunate. I don’t deny any of
that for one second. Five years out of high school means a lot. I’m an adult now. “Adult”. HA! Sure, if that’s what you want to call it. I’m learning day by day.

Lately I’ve been doing a whole lot of soul-searching—-trying to figure out where I’m going, what I’m doing with my life, whether I’m making the right decisions or
not. Don’t we all? Things have been hitting home a little too hard in the past few months. My life right now is nothing short of chaotic.

I’ve come to realize that as much as I find comfort in carefully constructing brick walls all around myself to shield my true identity, I need to let people in sometimes. I need to learn to trust again. Not everyone is wicked. I know this. At the same time, I know better than to allow myself to appear vulnerable to anyone and/or anything. Recently, I have had a select few people fall into my lap who have made me realize exactly what I’m missing out on though. I appreciate them more than words can honestly express for that. (You have no idea.)

Being “single” is definitely taking a toll on me. I long so badly to have someone to care about. I crave it. I also know that I am in no position to be romantically involved with anyone at this time. It wouldn’t hardly be fair. I’m done with attempting to make everyone happy, especially those who can not make me happy. I’m done with lies. I’m done with trying, yet I’ll never give up hope. Most of the time I’m alone. I actually prefer it that way. I need to continue focusing on the important things in life and working towards my goals rather than wasting my time on insignificant details, such as boys. While I say this, I’m also thinking about how I would KILL to have a challenge. An honest challenge. Just one. No titles. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to on a different level. Someone who clicks with me and understands what the hell I’m talking about even when I do not. Someone on the same page as myself with exactly the right balance of humor and sophistication. Someone who’s not so easily persuaded. This man does not exist, but a girl can dream. I’ve waited a long time and I will continue waiting, as much as temptation taunts me day in and day out. I will not settle for less than the best. Ever. Call me cocky, but I know that I am worth it.

I catch myself writing a lot (even moreso than ever), and I’m finding that (as it has always been), writing is still my favorite escape. It allows me to breathe. I’ve also
been spending quite a  bit of time in the studio…belting until I cry, or laugh, or find peace within whatever project it is that I am working on. Singing puts me on another planet, and as cheesy as that sounds, it is so unbelievable true. Music allows me to rant and rave in ways that nothing else can and from emotional levels that no one else could possibly scratch the surface of. A healing process of sorts. Better than any orgasm. Well, maybe. Ha.

I’ve been traveling a whole lot as many of you have noticed. Not that I haven’t always done this, but I’ve made it a point to be out and about more often this year than any year prior. I’ve never been one to call any place “home”, and while I feel that this is a disadvantage, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like spontaneity. I crave adventure. I don’t want to “know” all the time. Sometimes it’s better not to. I want to live and experience things for what they are. I want to feel pain like no other. I want to laugh as if it may be the last time I ever do. Emotions are so important and so often I leave myself so cold and untouchable. Need to fix that.

I’m a perfectionist. Too much. Nothing will ever be good enough. I’ve come to accept this. I can’t change it. I’m always going to take on a million more things
than I can handle and I’m always going to stress myself out until my face turns blank with frustration. At the same time, I will always overcome any obstacle. I
always find a way to make it work—-regardless of what dilemma is placed in front of me. I’m extremely lucky and fortunate to have the most supportive family in the world, as well as a few select friends that will continue to love me and care about me unconditionally, regardless of how many times I may blow them off. I’m not going to claim that I’m the most religious person in the world, but I can’t help but figure that someone, somewhere is looking out for me big time. There’s
no other explanation.

Life really is so beautiful and although things don’t always happen as expected, I feel as if destiny will reward me and adequately ensure that I make it to wherever it is I’m supposed to go. I’m a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. I will be okay. I know this. Regardless, it’d be nice to take the easy road every once in a while. I would never allow for such a thing, but I’m still growing and I’m still learning. I’ll hold on to that much.

The most beautiful morning.

I suppose this is where I will post my thoughts, ideas, randomness for everyone to see. I’ve nothing to hide. Letting it out…